Okay, not all writer’s novelty T-shirts are that bad. Browsing the ones on CafePress, some of them are downright witty, such as “I write, therefore I am,” “I’m plotting against you,” and the always-applicable “Careful or you’ll end up in my novel.”

But some of the best writer’s T-shirts actually come from the filmmaking category:

• “Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.” -Jules Renard [which isn’t true, but it sometimes feels true]

• “Adverbs are for wussies.”

• “Character arcs? We don’t need no stinkin’ character arcs.”

• “Reality is for people with no imagination.”

Not to mention a framed print that should be hanging next to every writer’s desk (not just screenwriters):

This creative license frees you to be different, to think outside the box, to turn things upside down, to challenge the status quo, to go out on a limb, to see the forest and the trees, to blaze a new trail, to see with new eyes, to hear with your heart and speak with your actions, to do the unexpected, try the impossible, and ask, “Why not?”

But so much of the gestalt of the writer’s life is missing from writers’ novelty items.

I almost gagged when I saw a refrigerator magnet with the “Writer’s Mantra: I will be a published author. I will be a published author. I will be a published author.” Ad nauseam. Let me say for the record that—even if you want to be published—if what you’re writing for is primarily to be published, you’ve lost your focus. Most of us write first for the passion, and that should be our mantra. In fact, that would be a great place to start with a new series of punchier, more relevant writers’ novelty tees (some based on other non-writerly designs):

• “I write for the passion. (Though I’d still like to get paid.)”

• “Stories are my life. I would die without them. (Or at least be very, very grumpy.)”

• “Choose Your Weapon” with pictures of pencil, pen, computer keyboard, crayon, etc.

• “I talk to people who aren’t really there. (I’m a fiction author.)”

• “Stories express that which cannot be logically explained and on which it is impossible to be silent.” (based on a quote from Victor Hugo)

• “Writer’s Schedule: drink coffee, write, get kids to school & think about writing, write some more, eat lunch & think about writing, watch TV & think about writing, get kids from school & think about writing, do laundry & think about writing, write again, ask kids nicely to quiet down, keep writing, eat dinner & think about writing, take ibuprofen, take kids to softball (bring writing journal), sleep & dream about writing”

• “Don’t piss me off: I’m a suspense author.” (or “horror,” or “mystery,” or whatever

• “Careful! I’ve got a pen, and I’m not afraid to use it.”

• Novelty laptop case: “Nope, not a writer. I just lug it around for the exercise.” (Might also work as the cover of a novelty journal.)

• “Designated writer. (Please don’t ask me to drive.)” with a picture of a martini. (Yeah, I know, the alcoholic writer is a myth. But tell me the truth; how many of you have never considered becoming alcoholics?)

• “Yes, I’m a writer. Don’t worry: I’m not psychotic… yet.”

• “Places I like to write… at home, in the car, at my favorite cafe, on the beach, at church, …”

• “Why yes, I do know a little about everything. (I’m a writer.)”

• “I know why ancient man drew on caves. They were writing stories!”

• “Without stories, life would be a mistake.”

• “My stories may not sell. (But at least they change lives.)”

• “Do Not Disturb: Inspiration in progress!”

• “Spelling is for editors. I’m a writer.”

• “If I wanted you to edit out my thoughts, I wouldn’t have written them in to start with!”

• “Indie author. (Will work for food.)”

• “I’m only writing novels until I make it as a checkout clerk.”

• Picture of a high-wire walker, balancing precariously on one foot, holding “writing” in one hand, “life” in the other.

• … or maybe just a simple “I write stories.”

Keep writing!
-TimK

P.S. Maybe that would make a good T-shirt, too. “Keep writing!” Or a mousepad. Or a refrigerator magnet. Or…